Love

I love love. Like, me and love go together real bad. There's a lot that can be said about it — so many places to begin. I've had debates in my adulthood about what love actually is. Is it a noun? A verb? Both? Is it earned, coveted, or given freely? Does it have a capacity? The questions seem endless for such a small word with such a big meaning and an even bigger impact. I wouldn't dare define it, nor do I think it can be contained in a single definition. What I do have are moments that taught me what love is to me.

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Moment #1

I remember talking with some homegirls when one of them said, "Stacyann — you've probably never gone a day without love. And even if you did, you still always knew God loved you." Mind. Blown. She was right. I'd never thought about it, but that's the environment I grew up in.

Love was easy. Unearned. Abundant. A choice. One you should make over and over again because it's better than the alternative.

Don't get me wrong: there was always a standard to the environment where that heart posture existed. It was safe and generous. It aimed to outgive itself. It wasn't afraid to be disappointed and try again, mostly because disappointment didn't happen often. It was compassionate. In that environment, I was, and am, free to love without consequence.

That conversation made me realize the unique privilege I carry. I became more compassionate toward people who didn't choose love in situations I once thought would be a simple response. My heart grew even more.

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Moment #2

A friend once asked me if I loved someone or if I was in love with them. My response: I don't understand the question. Typical for me, lol. Not because the words were unfamiliar. But because the distinction never made sense to me.

I've never tied the love I give someone to their role in my life. I can love you, or something about you, without believing that entitles either of us to anything more. My love is the base. The expression of it changes from person to person and as people change over time. That's what allows me to love freely and honestly.

For a while, the world made me feel like that was wrong. Love, it seemed, was something to be earned and carefully assigned. I got grief about how I showed it if it didn't look consistent across gender, length of relationship, or the role someone played in my life. It created stress and restriction I didn't know how to name yet. Eventually I had to let all of that go.

I just want to love and be loved well. Freely. Without a rubric.

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Moment #3

As the world became more chaotic, I went on a deep dive into my faith. I had a growing hunger to know God accurately, in hopes I could understand the present more clearly. So I started where it made sense: the beginning.

I studied the creation story for about ten months. Slowly. Intentionally. Cross-referencing scripture with history, science, and language. The more I learned, the more I understood the complexity and depth of love. I realized love is sacrificial, relentless, deliberate, incessant, and powerful. It isn't void of disappointment, heartbreak, anger, frustration, mercy, or grace. It can save lives. The lack of it can destroy generations.

I don't think I can fully appreciate how much power it holds. I understand why God is love and why I'll probably never grasp all of it in this lifetime. But I realized I hadn't even scratched the surface of what love is and what it can do. And I want to.

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These moments helped me understand who I am and what I need to thrive. Doing anything without love feels pointless. And when life feels overwhelming, I look for love before anything else. That leaves room for people and situations to disappoint me without it becoming catastrophic.

I came out of these moments believing I could be a source of love. That won't always happen, especially when I feel unsafe. But even then, I know love still exists. When I can't find it in myself, in a person, or in a situation, I turn to God. And it's always there.

This anchors me. It anchors my soul.